লাস্য - ভেগাস

নবমী নিশি তুমি হইয়ো না ভোর!! 

পাপবিদ্ধ নগরী, লাস্যময়ী ভেগাস - ঠিক যেন ব্ল্যাক-হোল ।লোকে বলে, এখানে যা ঘটে, তা চিরকাল এখানেই থেকে যায়,  হকিংস রেডিয়েশনের সব সম্ভাবনা শূন্য।  এ শহর চির যৌবনা। যৌবন তো আসলে কোনো বয়স না, নেহাৎই স্টেট অফ মাইন্ড। 

বৃষ্টিচ্ছায় মরুভূমির উষ্ণ দিন ঢলে পড়ে ভেগাস নগরীর ঠিক বাইরে, ঘিরে থাকা পাহাড়ের কোলে। অস্তমিত সেই রশ্মি, যেন মধুভান্ডের তরল সোনার মতো। গড়িয়ে পরে রুক্ষ পাথুরে গায়ে। লাল হয়ে উঠে সন্ধ্যার আকাশ, লাল আভা ক্রমে  কালচে হয়ে রাত নামায়। তখন সে মরুদ্যানের এদিকে - ওদিকে ফুটে উঠেছে আলোর ফুলকি। তপ্তভূমি ভেগাসে নামলো সবে কলির সন্ধ্যে। উছলে পরে লেসার -নিয়ন, অহেতুকী করুনাধারা যেন ।লাস্যের রাজধানী তে আজ সপ্তাহান্তের ভীড়। উচ্চগ্রামের সঙ্গীত মূর্ছনা ঘিরে রাখে এ শহর, বলয়ের মত। সেই সুরে ও তালে কাঁপছে আকাশ, কাঁপছে বাতাস - য্যুথবদ্ধ মানুষ, কাঁপছে সবাই এক সমষ্টিগত ইন্দ্রিয়লোলুপ ঝংকারে। সমষ্টিতেই সুখ; এ সুখের জীবন, পদ্মপাতায় জলের ফোঁটা যেমন। মুহূর্তটাই সত্যি, বাকি সব মায়াসম, ভ্রান্তি। 

রাত্রি এখানে অধিক লাস্যময়। কুহকিনীর স্বল্পবসন নেশাতুর দু- চোখে ফিশনেট হয়ে ঝরে পরে। গভীর লাল আলো -অন্ধকারে, মদিরাক্লান্ত নয়নে যেন স্বর্গ নেমে আসে। প্রেমিকা রূপী অপ্সরা এ-কোল ও-কোল সে- কোল ; রাত বুঝি ভোর হয়ে আসে। ক্রমে বাতাস আরো ভারি হয় লোভের গন্ধে-গন্ধে। স্ট্রিপের হোটেল থেকে হোটেলের জানলায় জমে সহস্র গল্পের কোলাজ । মরুভূমির শুষ্ক বাতাসে ফোঁটা ফোঁটা আর্দ্রতা - মদিরাহত সব নোনতা জলের। লোভের পরে লোভ জমেছে, আঁধার করে আসে - একেই কি তবে পাপ বলে? ক্লান্ত ক্যাসিনোর আড়ালে জেগে থাকে সরীসৃপ চোখ। এসির হাওয়ায় শীতল শরীর। শল্কশুষ্ক হাত ছিন্ন ভিন্ন করে মহার্ঘ অন্তর্বাস। রঙ্গীন জল ঢেলে তাতে আগুন জ্বলে ওঠে। এক রাত্রের ফুলশয্যা, যেন আরব্য রাজনীর গল্প - রূপকথার সিন্ডেরেলার মতো, সকাল হলেই সব হাওয়ায় মিলিয়ে যায় - থাকেনা স্মৃতি টুকুও। 

ভেগাস শহরের সীমানার ঠিক বাইরেই,  দিনের আলোয় উদ্ভাসিত রুক্ষ লাল ভূমিরূপ - দিন পেরোলেই অন্ধকারে তারার আলোয় ভরা আদিমতা। অদ্ভুত এক  বৈপরীত্যের সমাপতন। যে শহরে সময় ছুটছে উত্তর- আধুনিক হবে বলে, তার সীমার ঠিক বাইরে সময় যেন থমকে, ইটার্নিটির মধ্যে। সীমায় বদ্ধ মানুষ,  রেসের ঘোড়ার মতন - অলি-গলি পাকস্থলী তার একমাত্র জীবন। তবু ওর- ই মধ্যে কেউ কখনো দেখে ফেলেছিল ওই অতীন্দ্রিয় ব্যাকড্রপ।কোনোদিন চোখ ফেরাতে পারেনি আর। 

সে দেখেই চলে, নিকষ অন্ধকার আকাশের গায়ে হেলান দিয়ে অন্ধকার পাহাড়, যেন চাঁদের গায়ে চাঁদ লেগেছে। অতন্দ্র প্রহরীর মতো সেই পাহাড়, উর্দ্ধনয়না; দূর আকাশে ফিসফিসিয়ে গল্প করে ছায়াপথের সাথে। রুক্ষ পাথরের প্রহরী পাহাড় - উড়ে আসা বুদ্বুদের মতো সব মুহূর্ত জমে জমে মহাকাল সম - যেন এক ইনফাইনাইট পোটেনশিয়াল ওয়াল। 

* ছবি: হোটেলের জানলা থেকে                                                               

Mahalaya diary

 'ya chandi'! 

To every Bengali household, Devipaksha begins with this traditional hymn playing loudly as the day breaks out. Today is Mahayala, a very auspicious day in our calendar. More often than not, on this day, people pay their respect to their ancestors by praying and performing holy rituals. 

In my nomadic life, this day is mostly just another day on my calendar. However, this year marks an exception. After ages,  I spent Mahalaya with my mom. We started our day by eating brunch outside. And we finished the day with my Iranian friend sharing a meal at my place. This is how I define festivity, sharing happiness across borders and cultures. And I believe my forefathers too must be happy from their heavenly adobes. Won't they? 

I wish you all Shubho Sharodiya and a Happy Navratri! 

অন্যপুজো

 না হোক তিনি পুণ্যতোয়া গঙ্গা। ভগীরথের সাধনার ফল কি শুধুই একটিমাত্র ভূখণ্ডে সীমাবদ্ধ? যুগ -যুগ ধরে ঘন্টাধ্বনি সহ যে প্রার্থনা মন্ত্র আবৃত্তি করে জন্ম -মৃত্যু -বিবাহ সমস্ত অবশ্যকর্তব্য সাধিত হয়, সে নেহাতই এক হাইড্রোসাইকেল। সমস্ত নদীতীর্থ থেকে জল এনে উৎসর্গ করা, সরস্বতী- নদী সম জ্ঞানে। সরস্বতী নদী কবেই মুছে গেছে, কিংবা হয়তো শুধুই কল্পনায় ছিল? 'একবার বিরাজ গো মা, হৃদি কমলাসনে!'  মাতৃমূর্তিকে হৃদয়ে ধারণ করার এই অসামান্য কবি-কল্পনা ছাড়া কি সাধনা সম্ভব? 'নেতি -নেতি '; বৈরাগ্যের অনলে  যাঁরা সব আহুতি দিয়েছেন, সেই সব প্রাজ্ঞ বৈদান্তিক গণ হয়তো পারবেন। আমরা অতি সাধারণ, cattle ক্লাস, নদী আমাদের আবেগপ্রবণ করে তোলে। সব আদি সভ্যতা আদতে নদীমাতৃক। তাই তো জলের সঙ্গে আমাদের সম্পর্ক প্রাণের। 

তাই আমার ভাবনায়, mighty মিসিসিপির জাহ্নবী রূপ ধারণে বাধা কোথায়? বয়সভারে ক্লান্ত, ধীরগমনা নদী, পরিণত রমণীর মতো। শিরা-উপশিরা সমেত সুদূর প্রসারিত তাঁর সংসার, দু-কূল ছাপিয়ে ভরন্ত দেহে গজগামিনীর মতো ধারণ করে রেখেছেন  এই ইকোসিস্টেম। আর সেই নদীতীরে মাথা চারা দিয়ে দু-বাহু প্রাসারিত কাশফুলরাশি- সঙ্গে নীল আকাশ, আর সাদা মেঘের ভেলা। আগমনী কি কেবলই বঙ্গদেশ যান? এক লহমায় সমস্ত স্পেস-টাইম ফ্যাব্রিকে ঢেউ তুলে বঙ্গভূমি এসে মিশে যায় মেমফিসের তীরে। 

নীলনদের তীরবর্তী প্রাচীন নগর মেমফিস, হিয়ারোগ্লিফিক্স লিপির জন্মস্থান, দেবী আইসিস, তুতেনখামেন - সমস্ত রহস্য, মাদকতা নিয়ে কবেই হারিয়ে গেছে বালির সমুদ্রে। শুধু মাথা উঁচু করে দাঁড়িয়ে কিছু পিরামিড জানান দেয় সব অতীত-জৌলুশ। ক্লিওপেট্রার কাজল -কালো চোখ আর উন্নত নাসিকার হাতছানি বুকে নিয়ে মিসিসিপির ধারে গড়ে উঠেছে এই শতকের মেমফিস। তুলোর চাষের বাণিজ্য, বর্ণ-বিদ্বেষ, ক্রীতদাস-প্রথা - সিভিল রাইট আন্দোলনের ইতিহাসের অন্যতম প্রধান শহর হলো এই মেমফিস। শ্বেত - শুভ্র কার্পাস ফুলের গায়ে লেগে থাকা মার্টিন লুথার কিংয়ের রক্তের দাগ আজও অমলিন। ঠিক যেন লেডি ম্যাকবেথের মতো, অত্যাচার আর নিপীড়ণের ইতিহাস শত বার ধুয়েও মুছে ফেলা যায়না। সেই সব কথকতা, আর চোখের জল এখনো ব্লুজ হয়ে ঝরে পরে এই নগরীর অলিতে-গলিতে। কান পাতলে শোনা যায় ঠিক। 

ঘর ছাড়া প্রবাসী আমরা। মানুষ ঘর ছাড়ে কিসের টানে? সুদূর কোন প্রাগৈতিহাসিক কাল থেকেই মানুষের ধর্ম একটাই - চরৈবেতি! আমিও তাই এগিয়ে চলেছি, এক স্থান থেকে আর এক স্থানে। হৃদয়ে সযত্নে গোছানো সংসার, ফেলে রেখে আসা এক চিলতে নিকোনো উঠোন, এক পরম যত্নে গচ্ছিত রাখা পিছু- টান ।কিন্তু ঘর একদিন ছাড়লে সে ঘরে ফিরে যাওয়া হয়না আর  -  ঘর থেকে ঘর ঘুরে ঘুরে বেড়াই শুধু । বসুধৈব কুটুম্বকম।  

এই দীর্ঘ নোমাডিক জীবনে সবই তাই প্রতীক মাত্র। দুর্গাপুজো একান্তই উমার পিত্রালয়ে প্রত্যাবর্তন। আসলে হোমকামিং সেলিব্রেশন । আমিও ফিরি ঘরে, এই নদী- তীরবর্তী কাশফুলের প্রতীকী রূপ ধরে। সব উমারাই পিতৃগৃহে ফেরেন তাই এই কদিন। কেউ কেউ হয়তো ফিরতেও পারেন নি, ফিরেছে তাঁর ঝলসানো পার্থিব দেহ। ছোটবেলা থেকে অবাক বিস্ময়ে শুনতাম যখন গল্পের মতো কেউ বলতেন - বর্ষাকালের বজ্রনিনাদ আসলে স্বর্গে মা দুর্গার আসন্ন পিত্রালয়ে ভ্রমণ নিয়ে নাকি দেবাদিদেবের সঙ্গে তাঁর কলহ মাত্র। এসব মিসোজিনির তত্ত্ব তালাশ করা আমার কাজ না, তবে ভাবলে অবাক লাগে চালচিত্র ছেড়ে এসে মহামায়া কিভাবে ঘরের মেয়ে হয়ে গেছেন, বোধ করি, ঈশ্বরী পাটনীর হাত ধরে। 

কলকাতা হয়ে মেমফিস - গেছোদাদার বাতলে দেওয়া তিব্বত যাওয়ার রাস্তার মতোই সহজ। শুধুই কতক অক্ষরেখা আর দ্রাঘিমা রেখার ফাঁস; নইলে গঙ্গাজল-ও তো মিসিসিপি তেই বহমান। একই সূর্যোদয় হয়, আর একই চাঁদের আলো এসে লাগে নদীর ঢেউএ। তাই এই কাশবনতলেই হোক আজ তাঁর বোধন, নাই বা থাকলো বিল্ব বৃক্ষ। 

'ইহা গচ্ছ, ইহা তিষ্ঠ ' বলে অধীর হয়ে ডাকলে কি আর তিনি শুনবেন না? 

#তব _অচিন্ত্য _রূপ _চরিত _মহিমা !

পুনঃ একটু দেরি হয়ে গেল, তাই বিলম্বিত শারদ শুভেচ্ছা না জানিয়ে, একেবারে শুভ বিজয়া! 

A Birthday Eve Musing

Make some hay while the Sun is shining!

Hola readers! Before you start, there is a small piece of warning for you...

Currently, in 2020, I am going through the most challenging time in my life so far. Yeah! I know that I'm not the only one. This year has been pretty rough and nasty to all, affecting everybody with this ongoing pandemic outbreak. All of our lives and plans are a bit imperiled. So as mine 😿. Like many others, I am also a little depressed and anxious. So, there can be a bit of negativity and a shadow of woe. Either quit reading or please bear with me without any judgment. Thanks!

Okay, so you have decided to be with me. Cool...

The month of October has always been my favorite. Because it's my birthday on the 9th. Many different and random thoughts crossed my mind at the advent of my 35th birthday (this year), like an emotional roller-coaster ride. I just cannot believe I am turning 35! OMG! I still remember how I used to feel after hearing that somebody is thirty-five, even a few years ago, as if they belong to the dinosaur era!😤😐😑😮  It's more like 'GhuNte pore, Gobor Hashe.' Such an idiotic one! 

Now, on my birthday eve (in the USA time), after reading a few birthday wishes (the birthday has already begun according to the India time) on social media, I am a bit emotional at my core. So I am trying to gather my thoughts and feelings here, as it crosses, raw, and uncut. As I have already mentioned, the piece will be purely candid and might sound a bit off-guard and out of place. 

Since the dawn of humanity, the meaning and the purpose of Life have always bothered intellectual minds. So I'm not the only one questioning the purpose of my existence in the universe. Exactly 35 years ago, the most exciting thing happened to me. I was born on this day. Since then, I have been alive, breathing, and working just like other people do. My Life has been basically mundane, an ensemble of work-study-sleep or other primal activities. However, there are specific occasional peaks of euphoria too.

But, what makes life more enjoyable? Or, what can make my life worth living? What do I exactly want from my Life?  Maybe the oneliner answer would be to feel happy and content. But what makes me think that mojo? 

This is a billion-dollar question. However, it has always been fuzzy. I have asked this question many times to myself and sometimes to others too (to see other people's perspectives) and seldom gotten any impressive answer. Is it the fame and success, huge money-making, living a lavish life, a successful marriage, parenting children, exploring and nourishing a creative side, traveling, or a linear superposition of all of them? This is very difficult to understand what makes one happy. Maybe this quest is too spiritual or philosophical and is deeply rooted in the layers hidden inside. 

Investing a much deeper thought, I realized that this idea of a happiness quotient is altogether a function of time. What I want from my Life absolutely depends on the phase of Life I am passing through. The answers to it have never been streamlined. Earlier, all I wanted from my life was much more tangible. Then, it was all about a career and stuff. Now, at this age, it's much more tending towards the philosophical aspect. 

So far, I was so much in a rush and engrossed in my Life. Now that I have just finished 35 complete revolutions around the Sun, I think it's an excellent time to take a step back and look at it. 

There is always a puzzle of chaos in the universe (The entropy, remember?). Zooming into the quantum order, whatever seems chaotic, maybe a nice and ordered one when seen after zooming out. In this light, let me retrospect my Life and look through the significant changes in at least the last decade. Here, I would point a few critical differences that happened in the previous ten years of my Life:

1. Irrespective of my imposter syndrome, I feel happy that I achieved something worth it career-wise. Now I have a decent piece of a certificate to flaunt - a Ph.D.

1-a. However, at the same time, I had to change my career path. While finishing up my Ph.D. I was standing at the cross-road and had to take the exit. Ten years back, I had some eyes full of dreams to become a professional physicist. But at that tender age, all I could envision was the Ph.D. graduation day. Lol! Life after my Ph.D. was pretty unknown to me. Post- Ph.D. survival in Physics academia is an altogether different ball game. I believe I am intelligent enough, ambitious, and diligent. However, these are not enough. There are a lot of contributing factors! All I did in my Life was impulsive and candid. I rather tried to stick to my heart and emotion instead of being pragmatic. True careerists plan their path more meticulously and work like that. I have never been that focused or planned my path correctly. So probably, I deserve this! But anyway, I don't complain. This Ph.D. journey has ever been the most cherished one. This is truly a life-changing experience. And the world outside the Physics universe is also not too bad. I gotta cultivate all. 

Yes, you live only once! Sigh! 

2. For almost the last ten years, I have been living in a first-world country, independently up to my terms. That is an absolute achievement. The immense independence, sense of liberation, and confidence that I achieved are simply irreversible. One really cannot give up that in exchange for anything. 

2-a. At the same time, I could not yet achieve assurance. Even though I am pretty close, I am unable to secure the EB1A. Again, I have never been focused or calculative. 

3. In the last ten years, I have lost a few important people in my life, including my dad and grandmom (nanna).  It was suddenly, and I was not prepared. That was one of the most challenging times of my life. I will always miss him and feel his absence. However, I know these are inevitable. c'est la vie! 

3-a. Every loss comes with the package of repentance. I repent so many things about them. I wish I had spent much more time with my dad! I wish I had told him how much I love him, adore him, or respect him. I wish I had gone to visit my grandmom for the last time in the hospital (I did not go on the day she died, thinking that I would go the next day!) We always take our nearest people for granted! We hardly express our love unless the time is over. This is a big life lesson. One should continuously express their love and care towards the loved ones; who knows when that time will end!

4. I hopped around through many relationships and am married now. However, digging deeper into myself, I sincerely subscribe to the fact that marriage is nothing but another social institution. There are few kinds of people globally, only for a particular type of people, the marriage kinda thing works best. Undoubtedly, I do not belong to that category.

4-a Even though I have kinda hopped around through many such relationships. Honestly, I don't regret it. I think every person in my Life has their fair share of influence on me. I tried to learn different aspects of life from each of them. And collectively, they all gave me the shape towards me being myself. 

5. In the last ten years, I got the correct exposure to see the world. I have outgrown my native identity and lived internationally.  I have seen people from different ethnic origins as my colleague, irrespective of nationality, religion, sex, caste, skin color, sexual orientation, etc. I worked with them, broke bread with them, got drunk with them. I truly realized humanity at its core is the same, irrespective of these external features. All of them were equally scared before the terrifying Quantum mechanics qualifying exam. Everybody feels happy when there is a free pizza on campus. Humane values are alike. That's why sages advised us to embrace the 'Vasudhaiba Kutumbakam!' to achieve global peace or a better society. 

6. In all these years, I became more financially stable and independent. I supported myself and my family too. I felt so empowered when I was able to pay for my mom's visit. I was so happy when I took her on vacation here in the USA. But, in Life, sometimes, the roles get reversed. Now it's when my mom is my kid, and I am responsible for her happiness. 

7. Ten years back, I could not drive a car. However, I am a valid and responsible driver now. I went a lot in the last few years. It gave me such a sense of empowerment and liberation that I had never enjoyed before. 

8. In the last few years, I was able to nurture the hodophile self in me. I have always traveled since my childhood, as my parents were much into traveling. We have always made travel plans. So, we vacationed in different places across India. However, in the past few years, I have been to many incredible travel destinations in the US. Previously, I traveled much like a tourist to any place. But now, I have outgrown and considered myself somewhat a traveler or an explorer. I experienced a fair bit of my solo travel sojourns. I lived alone in different places, starting from a motel or a hostel to a five-star hotel. I have done so many camping trips, long drives, whole-night travels, etc. The most eventful one was when we were through an accidental mishap, which ruined a night plan in Las Vegas! However, that alone overcompensated when I got the memorable chance to experience the most primitive night sky (The starry-starry night, including the horizon-to-horizon Milky Way) in the middle of nowhere in the Death Valley desert. That's something!

9. My journey as a cinephile has started long back since my undergrad days. However, it has much flourished in the last few years. With the advent of OTT platforms (such as Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc.) I was exposed to much more profound and meaningful content. In the last few years, I have watched a lot of acclaimed thought-provoking pieces of world cinema. The more I watched, the more I started to appreciate it. 

10. I have always been an epicure. Not only do I eat to live, but also I love to cook. I have always been fascinated by the creativity of the culinary world. In the past ten years, I have nourished that creative side in me. 

These are some examples that just came on top of my head. Most of them are pretty obvious. In ten years of Life, people mature, learn new things, or achieve some goal down the line. However, my ten years are different. These (almost) years were all my solo journey towards Life. Even though Life is a learning curve, I believe these ten years are my building blocks. I have lived through these days to achieve a hardcore mentality. I have gone through a tough grad-school life. These grad school people are often messy and seems a little off-road in their Life. But these people lived through some shit. So they have achieved some hardcore mentality like perseverance, patience, dedication to hard work, and attention to detail. Professionally or personally, these all traits are too valuable and often pay off. 

I think I have embraced the power of solitude. Without any near and dear ones, living alone in a completely new foreign land is something. Living a life like that makes you less malleable as a human being. Day in and day out, I have lived alone, fighting with the depression. The depression of grad-school research life with the long, sleep-deprived work hours. With such a little money and luxury, you work and try to build something. Often your month's effort just goes unnoticed or sometimes even gets rejected. Still, you rise high from the ashes. You come back again with more power and energy. I remember, when the rest of the world is busy celebrating or partying, I am busy with the jobs running in supercomputing clusters - alone, tired or hungry. On weekend nights, often, the eateries remain closed on campus, so I have to cook myself after returning. On top of this, there was a pure toxic environment in the research group. 

However, a constant battle with this kind of depression of being alone and the sheer uncertainty about the future, in return, makes you stronger.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

Long story short, I feel more independent—more powerful and sometimes accomplished. I know my power and strength. However, in retrospect, sometimes I see only the blood, tears, and sweat of my soul. But actually, these are the flipped sides of independence, power, and accomplishments. So the journey towards anything creative has always been difficult.  

So, Life is nothing but a journey through the time axis. From t = 0 till the moment you breathe for the last time, it's nothing but a trip through a trajectory. Time is an absolutely uncontrollable and unstoppable parameter (yes, I am primarily a physicist!).  In Life, even if you can manage to influence a few other things or can stop several other parameters from changing, you really can not control the time. So, no matter what, one will age, and one day will definitely die. But, the youth (actually everything) is temporary, so embrace the change—age like a fine wine. Gather more experience and be wiser as you mature. The only goal is to expand in terms of exposure, idea, intellect, empathy, wisdom, knowledge, and all. All we need is to be more inclusive, liberal, and flexible. Live at the moment. Enjoy the moment of your existence in every possible manner. 

So my findings and advice to myself for a better and meaningful living:

1. Spend time for yourself. Do whatever gives you the push.

2. Try to read and learn something new daily.

3. Try to write something frequently.

4. Challenge your brain. Learn something new.

5. Get things done.

6. Be more creative. Creativity is that push that liberates you from the mundane, silly Life.

7. Talk to your friends more often. Talk to a different set of people to see and include diverse perspectives.

8. Watch some good content more frequently.

9. Be independent in any way. 

10. Love thy neighbor! Love, adore, and care for other people for no reason. 

11. Spread body positivity and sex-positivity, question, and talk about anything that seems uncomfortable to you. 

**Published it in October 2021 (36th Birthday)

    Memphis, TN

How the PhD journey has shaped my life

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone".. Neale Donald Walsch.

There are two kinds of people in the world - one having a Ph. D.s, another without that single piece of an accolade. So, even at the risk of sounding smug, I call myself a Ph.D. survivor. That is quite a long journey to be remembered for the rest of my life. 

Somehow, from my teenage days, I have always looked up to something big. Blissfully enough, never have I ever been treated differently by my parents or family. I belong to that socioeconomic stratum of urban India, where people do not differentiate between girls and boys while bringing them up. That liberal environment had always encouraged me to choose a path of higher education and to dream big. So, after finishing my master's, when I got a call from a public university in the United States to join their Ph.D. program, I never thought twice. And, yeah, that's when I started. I embarked on a journey that people call LIFE.

At the age of 25, with some resources in hand (given by my doting dad), I started my journey towards a foreign land. With sheer uncertainty mixed with excitation in mind, I traveled my first international. Everything I experienced was the first time for me. I felt like an adult and a global citizen. Not to mention, for the first time ever, I felt myself as another number in the crowd passing by. The journey was smooth, and the expectation was super high. However, the bubble burst when I landed at my final destination. The local airport is just like a tiny bus stand, with only four services daily. 

I reached the remote college town in the southern United States, where everything seems different from my known world. I knew nothing about the place and environment before. Then, I was picked up by a good samaritan (an Indian senior, volunteering on behalf of the Indian student Association of the University) in town. He dumped me in an apartment and instructed me to get my lease signed. 

It was hot and humid. The apartment did not look very fancy, with the air-conditioning not working properly. I was already feeling homesick and highly jet-lagged. I strangled my footsteps to the bank nearby and opened an account, and then signed my lease in the apartment office. After returning home, I took a shower and crashed the bed. I slept like an infant and woke up the next day super hungry. I had some packets of instant noodles (Maggie, an Indian favorite) that saved my life. 

Long story short, I started my solo living for the first time ever (not technically, as I used to share the apartment with a few other Indian girls.) I started my grad school life in the USA.  In a blink of an eye, a couple of months passed. The new department, new TA duties, student and colleague from around the world, new etiquette of life, the independence, and yes, the paycheck - I was genuinely overwhelmed with so many things happening simultaneously. Finally,  I started to realize that life is what you make it! 

My first year finished just like that. There is no public transport in the town. I had no car, not even a Driver's License. Even for the weekly grocery, I had learned to live on others' mercy. So by this time, I have experienced the nuances of living alone. I celebrated the festivals and my birthday away from home for the first time ever. Honestly, I started to appreciate the value of family and friends. 

For the first time in life, I have seen the trees changing colors, until it lost all the foliage. I celebrated my first Thanksgiving, participated in a pumpkin carving. Eventually, the small town emptied as all students went home. I survived the winter break doing nothing, except a few days went on a trip to NOLA.  Traveling solo with a few acquaintances gave me another perception of life. Since then, I am a fewer tourist and more travelers wandering through new places. Whenever I got any chance to go to a new place, I never let that go, a conference trip or a vacation. 

Seasons changed, summer arrived. I grew more confident and a bit more homesick too. Life was getting a bit harder. I still remember the anxiety when I first got the tornado warning message. My first experience with snowfall, at the same time, was surreal.  It was a magical experience to see my home becoming a winter wonderland. And yes, by this time, I have started to call this tiny town my home!

My research journey had officially begun. As the majority of the supervisors around, my professor is not a very good mentor. And honestly, on top of that, he is a bit sexist, subtle racist, and a micromanager too. So, my bad days were there knocking at my doors. The same rough patch continued in my personal life too.  I went through a breakup. I learned to collapse in bed with tears rolling down. I learned to get up again with a sudden dinner plan. Some days were terrible when there was no food at home. After a very long and tiring day, there was nobody to take care of. I felt alone, helpless. Academically the first year was terrific. However, I screwed up in a couple of courses in the second year. It took me a while to make that up. Nevertheless, with all these happening together, I learned the key to self-sustainability. 

In the third year, I grew more mindful of the journey. I was calmer and composed internally, no matter whatever was happening. I accepted the life challenges and took them as an adventure. By that time, some of my research endeavors and hard work started to pay back. I got my first ever journal publication in life. However, research and a grad life are very sloppy. I failed one of my Ph.D. qualifying exams. It was unexpected to me. It was another difficult time. Few course work, assignments, along with some TA duties, and an immense research pressure, that was all my life summed up in a line. I learned the meaning of perseverance. Devoting energy to research is nothing but practicing perseverance and diligence. I remember working up to very late nights in my office. Even I have spent nights there and saw the day broke into the campus. There was no concept called weekends. However, even though life was hectic and rough, I learned the most important lesson  - not giving up. 

In the following year, I was rock solid in my journey. I passed all the exams and officially became a Ph.D. candidate. By this time, I started giving talks to the conferences and saw my name printed on a few journal publications. I managed to buy an old car and started driving my ass off. That was the most liberating and empowering moment in my life. I never felt so independent and liberated. I realized that it was time to give back. I started to offer rides to the newer people. I knew their struggle. I began to pick up people from the airport or occasionally take them to the grocery shopping. It was such a gratifying moment to help people when they feel helpless. I realized the meaning of giving back without any expectation. It gives peace. 

The following year was an earth-shattering one for me. One fine morning, I woke up to the news that my dad left us for his heavenly journey. It was November 22, 2015. This was the toughest time for me. I  suddenly felt the heat. All of a sudden, my life changed. It seems that I actually grew up after this. I started to take responsibility for my family and myself. I learned to think beyond.  In 2015-16, I was passing through the end phase, the roughest phase of my Ph.D. journey. My life and graduate school became interwind as a journey. And, in this journey, I was just going where the universe takes me to go. In the next year, in 2017, I finally managed to graduate with a Ph.D. diploma in hand. My life after Ph.D.? that is surely a story for another time. 

Now, when I retrospect, I know this was a journey of a lifetime. I am no longer the same person as before. Each day during the Ph.D. has taught me something. It changed my outlook towards life and gave me a shape. I think graduate school life is just like life. Some days are good, some days are exciting, some days are tiring, some days are very disappointing, no matter what, one has to continue the journey towards the destination. Even though the destination is the target, the goal is to enjoy the journey mindfully.  

Below I have summarized the life lessons that I got through my experience in graduate school:

1. failures are integral parts of life. Don't get perturbed. Take the lesson from it and move on.

2. Imposters are real. You have to fathom to deal with it.

3. No matter what, giving up is not an option. Even if you fall down, the real success is to collect yourself and stand up. 

4. Professionalism in every sphere demands a certain honesty, like dedication, perseverance. You can nail everything once you bring the correct attitude.

5. Keep faith in yourself and your own capabilities. Always remind yourself that you are an integral part of the evolution that shaped mankind. Therefore, you are designed to accept any challenge. 

6. Life is full of uncertainty. Don't get anxious thinking about the past or the future. Instead, you better try to live in the presence. Take a strategy of one breath at a time. 

7. Destination is the key. However, enjoying the journey is most important. Try to appreciate it. 

8. Being independent is the key to feel confident. Preparing the meal or driving are basic life hacks that everybody should know. 

9. If possible, try to give back something to society. Society is a collective effort that mankind built over time. Everybody is an integral part of it, knowingly or unknowingly. 

10. As you mature, try to appreciate the diversity and be inclusive. No matter how different we look superficially, at the core, everybody has similar values. Only an eye with a non-judgemental filter can liberate you to this space. 

অঙ্গনবাড়ি

vo aa.e ghar meñ hamāre ḳhudā kī qudrat hai

kabhī ham un ko kabhī apne ghar ko dekhte haiñ

[That she has come to my home, is God's divinity 

At times I look at her face, at times my home I see]

বসন্তের শেষ দুপুর, সোনাগলা রোদ্দুর চুঁয়ে চুঁয়ে পরে; আর সবুজ ঘাসের মাথায় যেন মধু এসে জমে ।মুক্তোর হারের মতো তার ওপর ছড়িয়ে থাকে সাদা-সাদা ফুল। এই মৃদু হাওয়ায় এক উদাসী গন্ধ ভাসে - নেশাতুর চোখ লাল হয়ে যায়। পোষাকী নাম পলেন ইনফেকশন। আসলে বসন্তের হাওয়ায় এক মায়াবী গন্ধ ওড়ে। আগুনে পলাশ গুঁড়ো-গুঁড়ো আবির ওড়ায় হাওয়ায়, চোখে বুঝি আজ জয়-বাংলা হল। শেষ বসন্তের হাওয়ায় কেমন মন খারাপ করে - সেই সব ঝড়ে  যাওয়া আমের মুকুলের জন্য বুঝি ! ওই কোকিল জানে আমার সব মনের কথা - সব না ফোটা ফুলের যাতনা। আমার আঙিনায় বুঝি আজ সব বসন্তরা ভীড় করে ফেরে। 

শেষ দুপুর যে কখন বিকেল হয়ে যায়, বোঝবার জো নেই । বইয়ের পাতায় ততক্ষনে ছায়া জমছে। রোদ্দুর ও ঢলে পড়েছে সন্ধ্যের গায়ে, একটি- দুটি করে তারা ক্রমে ফুটে উঠছে। সন্ধ্যাতারা আসে, ঠিক মধ্যমনিটি যেন।দলছুট পাখিটিও ফিরে আসে ঠিক। সন্ধ্যা শাঁখ ততক্ষনে মনের মনিকোঠায় । তারাদের ক্ষীণ আলোয় ঠিক সন্ধ্যে এসে জমে - একটু একটু করে  কুয়াশার মতো যেন। আমার আঙিনায় আরো একটি দিন শেষ হয়,  এ জীবনের মতো। 

 আমার উঠোনে এক প্রাগৈতিহাসিক চাঁদ। দমকা ফুলের বুনো গন্ধ আর জমাট বাঁধা প্রাচীন অন্ধকার। সেই অন্ধকারে আলোর ফুলকির মতো জোনাকি -  চাঁদের আলো চুরি করে আবির খেলে। আজ ওদের দোল পূর্ণিমা। ওই বুঝি ন্যাড়াপোড়া, তুবড়ির মতো জ্বলে উঠলো। নিস্তব্ধ পৃথিবীতে ঝিঁ -ঝিঁ পোকাদের সিম্ফনি, ঠিক যেন মোজার্টের সুর। আমার আঙিনায় আবারো একটি রাত জমে ওঠে, তারপর পূর্ণিমার চাঁদ ঢলে পরে মেঘেদের গায়ে। ওই অন্ধকার আকাশ  ভেঙে বৃষ্টির মতো তারাদের আলো। সমগ্র ছায়াপথ জ্বলে, এক মায়াবী রূপকথার আহ্বান যেন । ধাঁধিয়ে যায় চোখ। 

আমার এ আঙিনায় মহাবিশ্ব খেলা করে। লুটিয়ে দেবে বলে প্রাণ, শুধু প্রেমের অপেক্ষায়। 

Afternoon Musings

                                                

Often in life, we come across few moments that are etched in our memories forever. In these blissfully rare afternoons, my solitude weaves its magic web, entangling me in its dreamy mesh. The last sun rays of the day shine brilliantly on the tips of the grasses. Some odd petulant dry leaves come flying around in the calm afternoon breeze and fall at my feet, kissing them. At these moments, I feel a heartening sense of harmony between my consciousness and the universe. The sudden chirrups of the homecoming birds bring me back to reality, reminding me that my afternoon tea has probably gone cold. The setting sun paves the way for the Evening Star in the basking glow of the twilight in my tiny backyard. I nonchalantly grab the dried leaves that have now grown obedient at the touch of my feet and put them inside my book. It is time to hide my tiny universe deep inside me, far away from the harsh realities of the world.

Fayetteville, Summer

2021